Might as well jump

You know how sometimes something gets stuck in your head and you can’t seem to shake it? I’m not talking about bad songs or annoying commercials, (although there are a few local ad jingles that keep coming back to me like a bad rash). I’m talking about a thought that circles around and around in your head looking for a place to land. Today that persistent thought is about elephants. Last night I read something about them I never knew. They can’t jump. As in, can’t. Physically impossible. I checked with several reputable online sources just to make sure and they all said basically the same thing – that elephants are one of the few mammals that can’t jump, not […]

Your call is very important to us

If you’re on the phone and you hear the following words, you’ll know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that what you’re hearing is a big, fat, hairy LIE: “Your call is very important to us. The next representative will be with you shortly.” Yesterday I heard that whopper roughly 67 times while I waited for a non-computerized voice to come on the line and offer what we used to know as “customer service.” But thanks to technology, the machines have taken over customer service centers and their mission is to prevent us from reaching the real live humans, if at all possible. I’m pretty sure the real live humans are on a beach in Tahiti. What’s ironic about this […]

The New Year’s Day Downer

To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of the whole New Year’s shtick. When I was single, I dreaded New Year’s Eve because there was far too much pressure on it. If the evening didn’t play out like my favorite chick-flick movie and end with a kiss worthy of an orchestra swell in the background, the whole night felt like a complete bust. Once I made it through a disappointing New Year’s Eve, I had to contend with the buzzkill that is New Year’s Day – the day I’m supposed to resolve to be so much better than I am. And I’d like to be that idealistic version of myself and I could probably do it – if only […]

A tale of two cysts

When our son started sixth grade this year, he signed up to play the viola in the school orchestra, which is like the little brother to the violin. After a few weeks of learning the basics, Adam started wincing every time he plucked a string. Somehow he’d developed the only “orchestra injury” I’ve ever heard of – a large, red, angry blister on his index finger. I put ice on it and gave him ibuprofen. A few weeks went by and the blister went nowhere. The orchestra teacher said this wasn’t a common occurrence for viola players, so I took Adam to the doctor. After an X-ray, the doctor told us the weird bump was no blister. It was a […]

My bra is showing

I’ve been all over town with my black bra showing – and it’s entirely my husband’s fault. Let me explain. It started a few weeks ago when Tom drove the kids to gymnastics lessons in my minivan. I stayed home to catch up on work. On the way home, he hit a deer – a big one. Thankfully, he and the kids weren’t hurt, and, shortly after impact, the deer got up and ran off into the woods. The minivan bumper, however, was not so lucky. I told Tom he shouldn’t worry about the bumper since the new dent would blend right in with all the other minor dings and dents we’ve racked up over the years. Just a few […]

A letter of apology to Thanksgiving

Dear Thanksgiving, No matter how many twinkle lights go up around town or how many holiday songs I hear on the radio, I haven’t forgotten you. November is yours. I have a turkey decoration on the center of my kitchen table, and that bird will stay in its place of prominence until the sun sets on November 28th. I promise. For years now, you’ve been getting the short end of the wishbone, thanks to a phenomenon they call “Christmas Creep.” Don’t worry. Christmas Creep is not some weirdo in a Santa Suit. It’s a strategy used by retailers to move the holiday shopping period earlier in the year. They want a longer runway leading up to Black Friday, when holiday […]

I plead the Fifth

It started about a week ago – a strange itching sensation on the palm of my hand. No redness, no bumps. Only a pesky itch with no apparent cause. I mentioned it one day to my dad, who said an itchy palm means you’re about to receive some unexpected money. What I got instead was a deluge of other symptoms, not just for me but for two of our three kids. One kid had a low-grade fever, which I chalked up to the common cold or 24-hour virus. The other had achy legs, which I attributed to the kind of growing pains that take a kid from 46 inches tall to 48 inches seemingly overnight. Then I came down with […]

A game of switch and ditch

This morning I caught a glimpse of something white sticking out from under the sofa. Typically that “something” is a stray sock that one of our boys has taken off and slid under a cushion because walking it to the clothes hamper would be both inconvenient and wildly out of character. But this time it wasn’t the kids cluttering up my living room. It was the dogs. That white thing was a bone I’d given them a few days earlier – one of many dog treats they love to never eat. Overall, our 16-year-old, Lab mix, E.J., and our 2-year-old Beagle, Charlie, are good dogs. That’s exactly what I tell them when I reach into the container where I keep […]

Pursuit of the perfect picture

Like so many women (and a few men, too), I don’t like getting my picture made. It’s ironic, too, because I love photography and the way pictures tell a story or capture a mood. So I’ve been asking myself lately why I, along with so many other camera-shy people, sprint from the room anytime a lens gets pointed in my direction. I think I’ve figured it out. We all think we know how we look as we go about our daily lives. But we’re wrong. Inside my head, I have a picture of what I think I look like. But then I see my photograph and realize how far off my mental picture is from the real thing. That’s the […]

Campaign to save the sweet potatoes

Dear Health Experts, I respect your expertise. I really do. But would you please give us a break? You’re sucking the joy out of food, and I’m officially fed up. Yesterday I saw the Dr. Oz show, and his guest was a neurologist who has written a book called “Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs and Sugar – Your Brain’s Silent Killers,” written by Dr. David Perlmutter. I haven’t read the book yet, and I’m sure it’ll be convincing. But what’s frustrating about yet another food-related health book is that the experts can’t agree – or at the very least stay with one theory for more than a few years at a time. They’re starting to remind me […]