I’m sick of getting blasted.
Not by cocktails. Not by critics. Those are rough, too, but getting blasted by a sudden, blaring car horn while driving in heavy traffic is enough to spike my heart rate into the stratosphere.
I recently got blasted during a routine trip to the bank. I was cruising along at 28 miles per hour, minding my own automotive business, when suddenly the driver behind me laid on the horn. My heart jumped into my throat as I whipped my head over each shoulder, searching for the problem. Did I cut someone off? Am I crashing? Who’s mad and why?
A moment later, after my fight-or-flight reflex had already shifted into high gear, I realized the honker wasn’t even looking at me. He was smiling, honking, and waving at someone he must have known in the next lane over. Fun for him, but jarring for the rest of us.
Here’s the problem with honks: Car horns have no nuance. They have one sound, and it’s designed to jolt you into your highest level of awareness. A honk screams “Look out!” “Hit the brake!” or “You’re a jerk!” Sometimes it means all three at once.
But we live in a complex world. Sometimes a honk is just trying to say, “Hey, Mike! Look over here! It’s me!!” But unfortunately, this kind of driver-to-driver greeting sounds exactly like the blast warning me to swerve, or else I’ll die in a fiery crash. There’s currently no way to distinguish one honk from another.
Obviously, we have the technology to solve this problem. If manufacturers can build cars smart enough to drive themselves, they can design the car horn to be more specific.
In the scenario above, what the driver needed was a short, cute hello-honk. It ought to sound fun and cheerful, not like something warning you of imminent death.
My friend who works on a college campus walks through a busy crosswalk a few times each workday to get to her office. When she steps into the street, someone inevitably honks. And because she’s a middle-aged mom who has spent decades protecting kids, she’s immediately on high alert, scanning 360 degrees in case a car is barreling toward them.
But what she sees instead is usually a college kid hanging halfway out a car window to wave and honk at a friend on the sidewalk.
Even if you think society could get by without hello-honks, surely you’ll agree that we desperately need a heads-up honk. Have you ever been stuck behind a driver who looked down for too long during a red light and didn’t realize when it turned green? A short, heads-up honk would be perfect in these situations.
Most of us have also been on the receiving end of a heads-up honk, so we can all agree this type of honk shouldn’t be too obnoxious — something equivalent to an automotive clearing of the throat. A firm yet polite “move along, please” type of sound.
If the heads-up honk doesn’t get the driver’s attention because they’re listening to loud music or using their phone at the stoplight, then the driver behind can escalate to something more forceful because, clearly, they deserve a blasting.
If we had a hello-honk and a heads-up honk, we could save the HEY-WATCH-OUT honks for moments when they matter most. We all need and want to get blasted when a well-timed honk can help us.
A few weeks ago, while backing out of a parking space at Chick-fil-A, I heard a long honk and immediately hit my brakes. When I looked over my shoulder, I realized an SUV was in my blind spot. I would’ve hit that car if I’d kept going.
When I offered an apologetic wave, I was so grateful she’d seen me and honked before I ruined the day for both of us. Thanks to a HEY-WATCH-OUT honk, we both got to enjoy hot waffle fries instead of trading insurance information.
All’s well that honks well.
Gwen Rockwood is a syndicated freelance columnist. Email her at gwenrockwood5@gmail.com. Her books are available on Amazon.