Thoughts upon waking (in five-minute intervals)

No…no, no, no. What is that awful sound? Oh, I hate that sound. Why did I pick that sound for my iPhone alarm app? ’m definitely changing that sound option later today. The “crystals” alarm tone sounded so pretty when I chose it, but clearly I was deluded. Crystals are bad. I hate them. Go away, crystals. I’ll get up in five minutes. (Tap to snooze.)

No…no, no, no. I need to sleep. Sleep is the best thing that God ever created. I’m in love with sleep. I love sleep so much that I would marry sleep and Tom would just have to understand. Nothing feels better than this. My body is demanding sleep and I should listen to my body because sleep is natural and good for me. And the air temperature outside the covers is too chilly right now so I’m going to sleep for five more minutes while it warms up in here. (Tap to snooze.)

No…no, no, no. There’s no way that was five minutes. Five seconds, maybe, but definitely not five minutes. I love this bed. It’s the best bed in the world. I’ve never been in a bed better than this one because it is soft and warm and exactly right in every way and that’ why I’m going to stay in this bed for just five more minutes. Shut up, you dumb, irritating alarm app with your offensive alarm sounds. (Extra hard tap to snooze.)

No…no, no, no. Again with the alarm? Why can’t I be one of those people who springs out of bed? It’s because I don’t go to sleep early enough, which is not even my fault. It’s the book’s fault. No, it’s the writer’s fault because she had to write words that kept leading to more words and more chapters, and they didn’t get boring enough for me to put the book down. Stupid writers and their stupid words. I’ll never read at night again. Never. No book is worth feeling this sleepy in the morning while that stupid crystal alarm sound keeps going off every five seconds. (Tap to snooze.)

No… no, no, no. Why is this so hard? If I liked coffee like normal grown-ups do, I’d already be up. I’d get out of bed like a good little caffeine addict and trudge dutifully to the kitchen, right on time. How can I be a woman in my 40s and not like coffee? Something is wrong with me. Later today I’m going to Starbucks and I’m going to drink the coffee and I’m going to force myself to like it. Should I get a latte or a mochaccino? Is there a difference? Let me think about that for about five minutes. (Tap to snooze.)

No…no, no, no. That stupid alarm is on again and now the dog is whining which means he needs to go outside. And there’s no way his bladder can make it another five minutes. Why isn’t Tom getting up? Hasn’t he heard this alarm go off like five times already? I think he’s just stalling for more time in bed. That’s so immature. I think he’s just lying there playing a game of “sleep chicken” to see if I’ll get up first and let the dog out. Well, I’m not falling for it. Two can play at that game. (Tap to snooze.)

Okay, okay, okay, Charlie. I’m getting up. Geesh! Calm down. I’ll let you outside but only because I don’t want to start the day by cleaning up dog pee. Beagles should really come with a snooze button.

Gwen Rockwood is a mom to three great kids, wife to one cool guy, a newspaper columnist and co-owner of nwaMotherlode.com. To check out Gwen’s book, “Reporting Live from the Laundry Pile: The Rockwood Files Collection,” click HERE.