By Gwen Rockwood, newspaper columnist and mama of 3 My favorite humor writer, Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist Dave Barry, is famous for the line “I am not making this up.” He uses it when writing about things that are so absurd that any sane person would assume he’s taking creative liberties with his description when, in fact, the description happens to be ridiculous AND true. I thought of Dave’s famous line when my daughter spotted a toy recently and brought it over to the shopping cart to show me. “Mom, this is kind of weird… and gross,” she said, holding it up for inspection. The toy is called “Poopsy Pets,” and it’s part of the Moxie Girlz line of dolls made […]

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By Gwen Rockwood, newspaper columnist and mama of 3 I’ve heard horror stories about how some spouses constantly butt heads with their in-laws. And I’m lucky because I don’t have those war stories. I love my husband’s family and he loves mine, and we’re blessed to get along the way we do. But there’s one tiny bone of contention between my husband and my mother, and I land squarely in the middle of the debate. Perhaps you can be the judge. The question revolves around the proper loading of a dishwasher, and the issue comes up after we have Sunday lunch together and start the clean-up process. In this corner is my mother, who has never once loaded a truly […]

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By Gwen Rockwood, newspaper columnist and mama of 3 For years, mothers have been expected to wear several hats to get the child-raising job done – cook, nurse, teacher, chauffeur, psychologist, housekeeper, event coordinator and detective. But I had no idea that “administrative assistant” would become such a big part of what I do each week. It turns out that my kids – ages 12, 9 and 7 – need a full-time secretary to handle the reams of paperwork that modern-day child-rearing requires. They bring papers home almost daily that litter the kitchen counter tops until I round them up, fill them out, sign them, attach checks to them and put them back into their corresponding backpacks. I just finished […]

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By Gwen Rockwood, newspaper columnist and mama of 3 If you’d asked me a few months ago if I’m the kind of person who loves sweets, I’d have said no. And even though I didn’t know it at the time, that response would have been a big ol’ lie. I would’ve answered “no” because I’ve always been able to walk right past a bowl of candy without hesitating. Even a plate of cookies won’t break my will. Chocolate fudge? Nope, I can do without it. Upon further investigation, however, it turns out that yes – in fact, I am a raging sugar junkie even though I don’t crave what we traditionally call “sweets.” Here’s the thing: Sweets aren’t just for […]

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By Gwen Rockwood, newspaper columnist and mama of 3 Tomorrow I’m going to attend a luncheon and speak for 20 to 30 minutes to a room full of people. I’m headed to bed early tonight in hopes I’ll be rested and on my “A game” tomorrow. But we all know the night before a speech is often a restless one. I’ve wasted so many hours lying in bed the night before an event thinking about how much I need to go to sleep, unable to stop internally replaying my presentation over and over again. The fact that I’m doing the speech at all, though, is a big deal for me. When I say that I was painfully shy as a […]

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By Gwen Rockwood, newspaper columnist and mama of 3 Yesterday, as I was standing over the stove stirring boiling macaroni noodles, I asked a question my family hears a lot around our house. “Wonder what I should write about this week. You guys have any ideas?” When you have a weekly writing deadline, you often pick the brains of those around you, hoping to find a seed of an idea that might grow into something bigger once you give it a little time and attention. Sometimes that happens, but most of the time the family members just stare back at you, shrug their indifferent shoulders and say, “I dunno.” Then they go back to watching cartoons or ESPN. People who […]

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By Gwen Rockwood, newspaper columnist and mama of 3 In a few days, I’ll turn 41 – which is a year past the black balloons and the “Oh Lordy, she’s 40” jokes. And it’s two years past 39, which I always felt was a desperate-sounding age, like it’s clinging to its last shred of youth by brittle fingernails. Forty-one seems like a mixed bag of good and annoying, so I’ve noted a few key observations about it here – 41 to be exact. 1. Lately I’m doing that thing people do when they pick up something with small print on it and try to read it. 2. My arm shoots out a little to hold the thing at a distance, […]

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By Gwen Rockwood, newspaper columnist and mama of 3 I like music but I’m not as into it as many people are. I’ve written before about how I treasure those times when I’m in the car alone and it’s absolutely quiet – nothing but the sound of the road. It gives my mind a chance to relax, and my writing is better when I have more opportunities to “hear myself think.” So the fact that I’m writing today about a song is ironic because I don’t hear many of them. But sometimes a song grabs hold of you, not only because it sounds good but also because it rings so true. At its core, a song is not only about […]

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By Gwen Rockwood, newspaper columnist and mama of 3 Tom did something shocking the other day. He came home from the store with a few things I’d asked him to pick up before the next snowstorm hit. As I unloaded the shopping bags, I stopped short. I picked up one of the packages, turned it around in my hands in disbelief and then held it up to Tom, as if he’d accidentally brought home toxic waste. “What is THIS?” I asked. “It’s toilet paper,” he said, as if I’d somehow mistaken it for a Crock Pot. “I know it’s toilet paper, but it’s not OUR toilet paper. Since when do we get this kind of toilet paper?” I asked. “Listen, […]

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By Gwen Rockwood, newspaper columnist and mama of 3 When you’ve been married for a while, gifts aren’t as big a deal as they once were. There have been several times in our 15-year marriage when, instead of rushing around to find an anniversary or Valentine’s Day gift, Tom and I just say, “Hey, want to skip the presents this year and just go out to eat and see a movie?” As long as both people are fine with that low-maintenance approach to gift giving, things work out just fine. But there are other times when someone gives you such a perfect gift, you know they must truly know and love you. A few months ago for our anniversary, Tom […]

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