Love’s twin sister

I really do love words. For me, they’ve always been like magic. As a shy kid, I felt so fenced in by fear of nearly everything, but putting words on paper set me free. No pressure, no time limits, no judgment.

Most of us spoke our first words within a year of being born. And every single year, we learn more of them. This year alone, 200 words and phrases were added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

As cool as the new words are, the most powerful phrase is one you’ve heard all your life: “Thank you.” This two-syllable saying does so much vital work in the world yet doesn’t get nearly enough credit for it, probably because it’s upstaged by “I love you.” And I’m certainly not diminishing the value of those famous three little words. But I would argue that a genuine “thank you” is the indispensable twin sister. “Thank you” is love that has put on its work clothes.

If I had to translate what “thank you” means in most situations, I’d say it’s code for “I see your work, and I know it matters.” And we all need to be noticed. We need to know that who we are and what we do matters, so saying thank you is a social glue that holds us together.

We know it’s important because we teach our kids to say it as soon as they start talking. We do it partly because it’s a social custom but also because we instinctively know it’s special.

Ironically, some people are much more likely to say “thank you” to strangers than they are in their own homes to the people they love most. They issue an automatic “thank you” to the waiter who serves them coffee, but it’s been months or years since they thanked their spouse, siblings, parents, or kids for any act of kindness. This gradual “unseeing” of the people closest to us can crack and rupture our most valuable foundation.

I’m sure Tom and I did a million things wrong while raising kids, but at least one thing turned out right. Our kids say thank you — at home, in college, in drive-throughs, in friendships, in Ubers, and in countless other ways.

Like most parents, we taught them with reminders but mostly by example. In this house, we thank each other for acts of service both big and small — loading the dishwasher, folding the laundry, making the pie, paying for college, finding the lost remote, and so many things that are easy to overlook. We’ve seen and felt the ripple effects of being grateful for and to each other. We know that the daily “thank you’s” of home life spread far beyond these walls and color other interactions. And I know for sure that life is better this way. I feel it in my bones.

Saying and sincerely meaning the words “thank you” defines how you treat people, which is the only identity that matters. And it’s so moving when you realize how a simple phrase can make both the receiver and giver feel so much better. Suddenly, we’re connected – two humans trying to be good to each other.

Brother David Steindl-Rast, who is a 98-year-old Benedictine monk, scholar, and author, distilled the world’s knowledge about this topic into one memorable, beautiful line. I’m adding it to a list of quotes that make me love words more each year. You can carry it with you, too. “The root of joy is gratefulness. It is not joy that makes us grateful. It is gratitude which makes us joyful.”

So, thank you for reading these words and for sending me some of your own from time to time. I treasure them and hold them close. From my home to yours, may your Thanksgiving be full of love, gratitude, and joy.

Gwen Rockwood is a syndicated freelance columnist. Email her at gwenrockwood5@gmail.com. Her book is available on Amazon.